What Celebrities Are Doing

It was the 13th annual NRJ awards, in Cannes this weekend. Adele won some things. And some people who weren’t. Hilariously, Mika won International Male Artist of the Year. Mika! Europeans are funny. The talk on the Internet is that Female Artist of the Year Shy’m might have a nicer face to look at than Shakira, who was given the NRJ Award of Honor, alongside Justin Bieber (i.e. the Thanks For Turning Up award). Hmm. We’ll be the judge of that.

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Justin Bieber is young, rich and powerful. His fans love him more than they love themselves and people who’ve been in the music industry for longer than he’s been alive all seem to want to ask his advice. So, the question is, why hasn’t he gone crackers yet? When is he going to tell people they are just worthless bags of meat? When, Justin? Tell us. We await your decision.

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Look, Justin Bieber has got a tattoo of Jesus Christ on his leg. At least we think it’s his leg, it could also be his forearm. Or possibly a finger. Or maybe a crisp.

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What do you want for Christmas? Your favourite festival jingle not to be ruined by Justin Bieber and product placement, eh? Tough luck, it already has been! Check out Mariah giving it some whilst Bieber runs around like the kiddie in a toy shop he actually is. Wait, though, he’s not just being a greedy bastard coz at the end he shares some of the Macys products he so carefully selected out – yay, Happy Christmas everyone!

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Despite the Staple Center’s very own Virgin Mary, Mariah Yeater, previously claiming that Justin Bieber had “fucked the shit out of her” on a shelf, it seems he might not be the father of her baby after all. We know, we know, sad news – it pretty much destroys this year’s great nativity scene. Still, if Bieber can’t take the role of God, we guess Kanye West will happily pick it up again…

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Everyone’s still hoping the Staples Center backstage baby is Justin Bieber’s. Unsually, it’s not even the standard mix of schadenfreude and jealousy that’s driving everyone to see him fail, it’s that as far as most people can tell, he seems to turn into a huge shitbag as soon as the cameras turn off. Nobody likes a shitbag, Justin. Except your fans, and now you’re making them pregnant! Allegedly! Shame on you! Possibly.

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As Justin Bieber prepares to turn on several thousand teenage girls the Westfield Christmas lights, Mariah Yeater is still going on about the time he allegedly “fucked the shit” out of her, claiming she has proof that he is in fact that father. Actual proof. That doesn’t mean they had sex though, does it? What if she managed to successfully pull-off a Liz Jones, and just wanked him off while he was sleeping? It’s possible. Anything’s possible. It’s also possible that she’ll be banged up by the time the paternity test results come in since she’s facing a battery charge in court next month. There’s probably nothing stopping Zac Efron from giving her a conjugal visit though…

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