What Celebrities Are Doing

It’s about time we did something good here at HM. Something we can be proud of. Something other than our genitals that we can show to kids. Something grandiose and far-reaching. So we’ve decided to launch an appeal for one of our very favourite celebrities, Susan Boyle.

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We must confess we don’t understand the whole Susan Boyle “campaign”. Given her core audience, you’d think there was enough material in the MOR bag to keep her going for mum-pleasing several albums to come. And yet, after her really very good version of The Rolling Stones’ Wild Horses, comes the Subo take on Depeche Mode’s Enjoy The Silence. And… well, we don’t hate it.

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Susan Boyle‘s got a brand new album on the way and what better place to give an exclusive performance of the album’s first single than on the American version of the show that made her famous. Susan, who became famous when she appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, performed her new song, You Have To Be There, for [...]

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Forget about everything else you read today, this is the news item everyone’s going to be talking about at the wine and cheese tasting tonight. The world’s most famous eyebrow-based singing egg, Susan Boyle, has revealed exclusively to us, and everyone else, that she’s going to have a musical made about her. 

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What would posess anyone to make a wax statue of some celebrities is an absolute mystery to us. Who seriously wants to go to somewhere that they can actually see a lifesize, reasonably accurate model of Vanessa Feltz, Dwight Yorke or Chris Moyles. It’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

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As we reported late last year, Katie Price complained to Ofcom after Frankie Boyle made a joke about her disabled son Harvey on his show, Tramadol Nights. When asked about it, Channel 4 insisted that it was actually a joke about her and not about Harvey, which is fine. 

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Frankie Boyle is kind of like the opposite of HM, he’s a celebrity abusing anonymous poor people. We’d take the metaphor even further in line with the disability angle, but it’s difficult to type when you’ve got massive swollen sausage fingers and a face like a clumsy beekeeper. Not that we use our faces to type. Much.

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