What Celebrities Are Doing

American telly is more complicated than ours. Instead of just putting programmes on and hoping people watch them, they hold events like the FOX 2013 Upfront Presentation Post-Party. Which sounds baffling but is really about getting Simon Cowell to stand about looking awkward while Demi Lovato does bunny ears behind him. And we can only assume from the photos that Matt Dillon is starring in a reboot of The Munsters. He isn’t? Oh. Shit.

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It’s not hugely surprising that Adele tops this year’s Sunday Times Under 30 music Rich List, given that the only thing the internet seems to agree on other than cats, Hitler and your mum is that she’s really, really good. Duffy in at 8th equal however… not so much, unless she got paid £7m for that Coke advert she did, which doesn’t sound feasible.

Otherwise, it’s good to see that the rest of the list basically consists of bands built by Simon Cowell. You might not know what he likes, but he certainly seems to know what you do.

Interesting to note there’s no Sarah Harding or Kimberley Walsh…

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Since everything about Simon Cowell that can be said has been, how about we ease you into this hilarious quote with a joke? Come on, it’ll be like the beginning of The Generation Game, except without the beind the scenes wife-beating, homophobia and racism…

I was being interviewed for a job at McDonald’s. “An obvious example is Simon Cowell,” I said. “His are approximately two inches below his nipples.” Puzzled, the interviewer asked, “What on earth are you talking about?” “You asked me to talk about high jean levels,” I replied.

No? Not risque enough? How about this one then:

Simon Cowell is more powerful than Jesus. Sure, Jesus can turn water into wine, but Simon Cowell can turn shit into money.

Still not blue enough? Ok, how about this…

I read that Simon Cowell is extremely wealthy and spends 500k on his personal security every year. Wouldn’t it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a cunt?

Oh come on, they’re not even our jokes. He wouldn’t mind. He’s very open minded. In fact, he spoke to the Radio Times recently about how he works in the best industry in the world. THE MUSIC INDUSTRY:

“I couldn’t care less [if people think I’m gay] because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If I was living 200 years ago in a coal mine, maybe, but I work in possibly the gayest industry in the world! Music and TV! It would make no difference to my life or my career. A lot of my friends are gay, but I’m not and don’t even think that way any more.’

Doesn’t think what way? The gay way? Or that people are gay or straight? Sitting next to someone as asexual as Louis would probably do that to a person. 

‘I’m happy single, and when I’m in relationships as well. I tend to be in a relationship more than being single. But I’m very good on my own, a) because I never get bored and b) because there is always something I need to catch up on.’

Finally, it seems like Simon’s been in LA for so long now that he’s forgotten most people don’t consider Botox to be an everyday health regimen: 

‘I work out three or four times a week, I have Botox, take tons of vitamins and vitamin infusions – if you believe that these things work, you will feel better.’

Look what we found on MySpace. Yeah, Myspace…

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In news that will have Tulisa worrying about her mortgage, it seems that Simon Cowell may be about to give her the old heave-ho from the X Factor judging panel. Oh dear. Louis Walsh, on the other hand, has Cowell in his corner, fighting to keep the Irish codger on board. It’s a funny old world…

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It looks like the Britain’s Got Talent auditions have started again. In case you’re not familiar, that’s the show that’s like The X Factor only they humiliate people who are shit at juggling and impressions, as well as singing. But it’s also usually amazing and we find ourselves in a moral battle between the remote control and our unscrupulous fingers. Damn their filthy desire to see Amanda Holden cry at a child. Damn them!

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In news that will surprise nobody, but will likely have angered Britney’s creepy dad, Britney Spears has quit the X Factor USA following rumours that Simon Cowell was gearing up to give her the old heave-ho.

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Batten down the hatches, guys, because the third horseman of the celebrity apocalypse is upon us. You know, Grossitude: “and lo it would be reavealede that the Karaoke King of ITV hath known carnally Carmen, Princess of Underpants, and the worlde woulde cracke in twain”

For the full story and all the pics go to Holy moly!

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