What Celebrities Are Doing

Finally! We have an answer to the age-old question: “what’s worse than pushing Iceland’s prawn rings in a joyless Christmas advert?” as Kerry Katona has taken on the role as the new face of a payday loans company!

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Much as we love to (correctly) criticise Kerry Katona for everything she does, her newest idea, that of starting up her very own rehabilitation centre for People Who’ve Got More Money Than Sense is actually a pretty reasonable one.

Sounding suspiciously like it might be based on her repeated trips to various fitness bootcamps, Kerry’s aiming it at women who’ve previously been married to drug dealers or members of boybands:

”I would love to set up a reborn centre, that’s what I want to call it, for women who can just find themselves again. For people who are on medication and try helping them get off it. It will be an exercise-based facility that’s for women who can sit there and discuss their problems and come away for a week. Like a retreat. I’d love to do that, but I haven’t got the money!”

No you haven’t. Can’t for the life of us remember what you did with it all though.

“Exercise save my life. I went to boot camp and coming off my medication it was like coming out of a coma and the fog being lifted and going on, ‘Oh my god, what’s been going on?’ I had my first natural high.”

Our personal favourite part of her recent interview with BANG Showbiz however, was the following, in which she mentions that her new autobiography is mainly aimed at people suffering from mental illness.

”I think [my autobiography] is completely and utterly honest, there’s no lies in there, it’s just brutally honest. There’s definitely a message in there, there’s people with mental illness who I’d like to read it and addictions and people who are through bankruptcy or money troubles or going through divorce, I’ve done it all.”

She has done it all. Except an actual days work. But let’s not be silly.

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If you’re like us, you’re counting down the days until the Christmas break – where you can stuff your face with Turkey and drink alcohol in the morning without anyone calling you an alcoholic. Christmas is also the time of the year where the television schedules get turned tits up, and seemingly every programme you’ve ever watched gets a Christmas special. Why we need to see how Downton Abbey celebrates Christmas, it’s unclear.

But one guy who turns into a schizophrenic Santa at this time of year is Jeremy Kyle – with his collection of Christmas specials. On the one hand, he gives loads of presents to children who’ve been through a lot – and on the other, he’s still yelling at people and telling them to “put something on the end of it.” It’s Christmas, Jeremy. Can’t you stop shouting for one week each year, for the kids?

The people who he’ll be shouting at next week aren’t commoners like us though, oh no. The Jeremy Kyle Show has splashed out and will be doing a Celebrity Special which includes Mr ‘I made a sex dungeon in my girlfriend’s flat’ Alex Reid, ex-druggy Danniella Westbrook and everyones favourite carcrash Kerry Katona. If this show isn’t a disaster waiting to happen, we don’t know what is… but for that reason, and that reason alone, we’ll of course be tuned in – if only to see whether Alex Reid rocks up as Roxanne. 

All the Jeremy Kyle Christmas specials start on Monday, if you’re interested.

Here’s the trailer…

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It’s not even December yet, but the carols have been playing in the shops for like 2 months already, so we’re pretty sure it’s officially ‘the festive season’ or whatever. OK! Magazine certainly seem to think so, as they had their Christmas party last night. It was attended by only the very best people from off of TOWIE and X Factor and, er, Kerry Katona.

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We’d come to the conclusion a while ago that the Kerry Katona we know is the real Kerry, despite what various women’s magazines might say on their front cover. As far as we’re concerned, the only secrets she has left are the ones remaining in the parts of her brain that were damaged irreparably during years of conversations with Mark Croft.

So you could paint us surprised when she recently decided to share the following monstrosities from her new autobiography (entitled ‘Pissing In Urinals: The real Real Kerry Katona’) with the world. Naturally, her marriage with Brian McFadden was the first thing she pulled out of her pot of not-really-secrets, more specifically, how she felt when he left her for Delta Goodrem: 

“She is so tall and slim, and classy, compared to a small, curvy and gobby northern lass like me. No wonder he had fancied her. And the sexual tension between them was right obvious.”

“I kept thinking, ‘What if the early days of romance and sexual chemistry had worn off and he was wishing he could get back with me and have our family back together again?’ And although I knew it was only a tiny chance, I decided to ring him.

“ ‘Please, Brian! The girls need you, I need you! Give us another chance. We have to make it work, we’ve got kids. We should be a family.’

“ ‘Kerry, it’s too late, I’ve moved on, I’m with Delta now. I don’t love you. Goodbye.’

If true, it’s probably single-handedly the funniest and most heartless thing Brian McFadden has ever said.

Somewhat expectedly, Brian’s refusal to put friendly adjectives in his sentences so upset Kerry that she was forced to turn to her mother Sue to cheer her up. Weirdly, Sue thought the best way to achieve this was to immediately give her daughter speed in a toilet and before introducing her to drug dealer, Mark Croft:

“It was Mum who introduced me to drugs when I tried speed in a pub toilet with her and her then girlfriend Tina. (Yes, she decided she was a lesbian at one point.) I was only 14 at the time, and it was like it opened a door to another world for me.”

“We had always comforted each other with it. Mum would regularly ring up, ‘I’m feeling depressed’, and I’d think, ‘Right, I’ll take her a bag of coke’.”

“He [Mark Croft] had a baseball cap, and dirty clothes, and was one of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen. I swear to God, he looked a proper little scally.”

‘One of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen’ Brilliant. It’s hard to believe why she’s so mental, isnt’t it?

[Via The Mirror]

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That Jasmine Lennard of Celebrity Big Brother and sexual intercourse with Simon Cowell fame – she’s a one, isn’t she? And by ‘one’ we mean ‘terrifying fruticake and scummy scumbag of the lowest order’. The woman, who stretches the definition of ‘famous’ to breaking point, has launched a hideous Twitter attack on Kerry Katona in which she suggests the columnist, Atomic Kitten star and chip fan should “start using contraception”. It takes a lot to get us on Kerry’s side of an argument, but that did it.

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If Kerry Katona had to list her biggest vices in order it would probably go a bit like this: Chips, bad boyfriends, kebabs, expensive nose drugs, mayonnaise, intrusive reality shows, butter, being rude about other Z-List gobshites, deep fried Mars bars.

For the full story and all the pics go to Holy moly!

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