What Celebrities Are Doing

Having been unable to see his daughter since he was found in a DIY sex dungeon by her mother should probably have somehow precluded Alex Reid from giving other people relationship advice. Legally, you’d think. But apparently the state of the judicial system in th UK is so bad nowadays that not only is he allowed to offer other people his thoughts on their situations, he’s allowed to do it in a printed publication that people can buy in newsagents around the country. It’s broken Britain alright.

Because he’s really only famous for being more of an arsehole than his ex-wife, he’s kept the subject of his most recent piece of advice limited to his marriage to the ballon-chested horse entrepreneur, specifically what her new husband, Some Guy Who Was On EastEnders Once, should expect from it and her.

As mentioned though he is a bit of a dopey twat, and as you’d expect from a man who gets punched in the head professionally, the advice was given in the most self-serving, hubristic way possible; an ‘open’ letter to Now Magazine. Considering he also writes a column for the mag, we’re not quite sure why it’s an open letter, but perhaps we just don’t understand publishing these days*

Anyway, here’s the letter in as full a form as we can make it:

“Dear Kieran, You’re now officially on the Katie Price roller coaster ride.”

“I’ve been there and I just about survived! As much as you probably don’t want to hear it from me, I have some friendly advice for you.”

“Although we’d go absolutely mad at celebrity parties and drink like crazy, it was always the next morning I treasured. I’m sure you know what happens. Katie would be really hungover. She’d be pale and blotchy but she was never more beautiful to me.”

“I got a request to do a mag interview on my own. I wanted to do it, but Katie said no. Don’t get too comfortable with fame. Katie and I had a fight once and she looked at me and said, ‘It isn’t all about you. You’ll never be as famous as me’.”

“She didn’t like my clothes. She styled me to look like a boy band member in skintight jeans tucked into the boots and very tailored stuff.”

“Kate can switch on and off. Being with Katie is like being with Jekyll and Hyde. You have to keep her happy. I spent every penny I had on her. I bought her engagement ring for more money than I’d earnt in three years put together.”

“Your life will be on camera. I was hardly ever alone with Katie. That’s your life now. Katie used to tell me that she made me. That hurt. I remember once she said, ‘You’re as bad as Pete [Andre]‘. I felt like I was being compared with the devil incarnate at the time. She used to talk about him in such a bad way.”

“The sex was amazing at first but it fizzled out. She used sex as a weapon. Grow a thick skin, keep your old friend and don’t do things just to please others. Oh, and don’t trust anyone at all.”

“One last tip: Don’t ever buy Katie cheap necklaces. I got in quite a lot of trouble for that. I remember her saying, ‘Just buy me Louis Vuitton in future and I’ll be happy.’ The kicker was that the necklace I’d bought her wasn’t even cheap – actually, it was bloody expensive.”

“I genuinely wish you and Katie happiness. Good luck, Alex Reid.”

What awful, awful people they all are. Awful.

*It’s quite possible.

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