What Celebrities Are Doing

In the film industry, it’s good to be either British or independent. Imagine if you were both though, how incredible would that be? So incredible you could get an award, that’s how much! Watch and weep Ron Howard and the rest of you dependent Americans…

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Nooooooooo! Sophie Habibis has been booted off The X Factor. How could this have been allowed to happen? The only upside is we got to see her lovely face, first thing on Monday morning. She was a bit “sleepy”. 

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As someone ten times funnier than us put it on Twitter, Alexandra Burke is the worst caretaker manager since Alan Shearer. Kelly goes away for one week and both of her acts end up in the bottom two. Dear the Great British public, what the shitting hell is wrong with you?

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Back where we used to work we once saw Sophie Ellis-Bextor go into our local chipshop at lunch, buy two battered sausages and a small bag of chips before strolling out without a care in the world, completely unaware that she was supposed to be a vegetarian. Can you believe that? Shocking isn’t it? Still, in her defence they did used to do wonderful sausages, even if you do have a niggling moral problem with the wholesale slaughter of animals. Although, they even did a special pork and leek one for the connoisseurs among you that was truly a delight to behold. Like a greasy, meaty wondersnack. 

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Bit stumped on how to make this about anything more than simply some celebrity pictures in an old railway station. What’s that? We could say the station’s haunted by that lovely artist fella who died a couple of years ago? Oh no, you naughty readers. Not only would that be in the worse taste possible, but we’re also pretty sure that was actually at Paddington. Can’t believe you guys even suggested it in fact. You’re sick, the lot of you.

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In case you didn’t know, Mario Balotelli is a notorious idiot. Or, in other words, he’s your typical footballer. In the past he has broken into a women’s prison with a friend, posed with an AC Milan strip while playing for Inter and been dumped by a girlfriend live on television. His latest brainless action? Cheating on girlfriend Sophie Reade with one of her best friends while she was waiting for him in the bedroom downstairs.

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Sophie Anderton was confronted with her mirror of truth at a party in London last night – that terrifying woman who must have based her plastic surgery on Nintendo’s Zelda, Liz Cundy…

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